How to lose your phone like a Nigerian

Hi guys, it’s the festive season again and as you should know by now, it’s one of the surest times to lose your beloved gadgets if you’re not careful. I’ve then noticed that when Nigerians lose their phones, there’s an almost predictable set of events that must happen. Don’t agree, check below.

1. Let’s say you’re with your friends or fellow Yoruba demons just chilling and having fun or discussing how to break the next heart

Adeola {House of Muse}_453169_edit

2. Then one of your guys asks…

Thorpey_453169_edit

Abeg gimme 1 minute for your phone

3. And that’s when trouble starts and you suddenly notice you’re not with it. So you ask around and then they all tell you they’re not with it and you’re like…

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Ah! Rough play

4. So you collect one person’s phone to call your phone maybe you’ll hear it ring… The_Real_Story_Behind_Black_Guy_On_The_Phone_Meme-500x500

5. And all your niggas are looking at you like…

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Hafa e dey ring?

6. But by then the thief has already switched it off and is en route computer village like… B8Goaf6CQAEMrtN

7. It’s now switched off. By this time panic is slowly setting in but you don’t want to think of the obvious so you and your squad search all around for it like…

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Una don see am?

8. The optimist in you wants to assume the phone is probably dead but the devil comes at you in your mind like…

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Oga was the phone not on 98% 30 mins ago? How can it be dead? Ehn??

9. This is when the foolish questions start pouring from your friends. “Where did you put it?”, “Did you see anybody take it?”, “How much credit was in it?” and so on. Even though in your mind you plan to react like this…

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Una dey mad? How would I have seen somebody take it?

…but you dunno when you just break down like…

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I no know oo. My iPhone 6!!

10. Then you try to retrace your steps and see if you can remember where you dropped it. You also check your pocket for the 10th time just in case you didn’t notice it the last 9 times…

stock-photo-man-looking-to-his-empty-pocket-105994307_edit

But e no dey my pocket na, where e con dey? 😭

11. Then some of you will suddenly develop trust issues and ask your friends repeatedly if they’re trying to play a prank on you by hiding your phone but they’re like…

Adeola {House of Muse}_092773

E no dey my hand na seriously. Check am

12. That’s when the hope in you starts fading like make-up on a girl’s face after a swimming date and then you begin to cry to the Lord…

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Ah God! Why me? After all my tithes and offerings. Please you must show yourself strong in my life oo

13. After about 6 hours and still no luck, you’ve finally accepted the reality and brace yourself to tell your parents(if you’re the type that’s still dependent on them). You start with mumsy of course and she’s just looking at you explain throughout like…

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14. You also ask her not to tell daddy but as an African woman with good home training she hurries to snitch to the man and he’s like…

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Ehn?! Phone that we just bought for him last month? Call him here

15. And he gives you the tongue-lashing of destiny that makes you wonder if Jesus really took away your shame on the cross… TwImg-20141119-191054

16. Few days later you start rocking your Nokia torchlight phone until money for another phone show(If your bank akant is anything like mine, that is).

nokia-c1

… Because nothing can switch off the light that’s in you ✌

The end.

True or nah? Please share your views/experiences in the comments section. Thank you 😊

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7 things I don’t understand

Hello guys, it’s me. And no, I wasn’t wondering if after all these years y’all would like to meet. Okay maybe the hot ladies among you though. 😉 Anyway, as we all know,this world is full of mysteries: from UFOs to the Bermuda triangle to if Diezani truth in Dangote being the richest person in Nigeria(see what I did there?😊).

Meme 3509

Well, I also happen to have some mysteries I need answers to and I’ll be glad if you guys can help me.

1.Who started UP NEPA?– It’s about 8:30pm in a regular naija neighbourhood and there’s no light. The adults are sitting outside and gisting because of the heat while the kids are running around playing with one another when suddenly PHCN NEPA brings light. Next thing you know,the kids go,”Up NEPA!!!” and run into their respective homes joyous. Now unless you grew up in one of those homes with a standby gen 24/7 after your parents stole Nigeria’s money that is ,then you should be familiar with this scenario. And I just can’t help but wonder how it started. Was it from a song,a popular movie or did one of our military rulers command us to do it? *Plays ‘I need to know’ theme song*

Can't help but imagine a scenario like this when GMB was Head of state...

Can’t help but imagine a scenario like this when GMB was Head of state…

2. Yoruba people who say diagonised– I know some of you may be wondering what the hell that means but I assure you it doesn’t have anything to do with the word ‘diagonal’. It’s actually how some Yoruba people pronounce the word ‘diagnose‘. Like the yoruba population isn’t suffering enough persecution already,yet some people will still come and be pronouncing diagnose as diagonised and spoiling our good name? Can’t deal mehn.

When somebody says 'The doctors haven't diagonised what's wrong with me'...

When somebody says ‘The doctors haven’t diagonised what’s wrong with me’…

3. Patients who call female doctors aunty nurse– I actually used to hear some of my female colleagues complain about this but I thought it was a jokin sturvs till I witnessed it myself. Dude walks into a consulting room,sees a lady in a white coat sitting and attending to a patient and still goes ahead to call her aunty nurse. I was like…what…how the…are you blind? Or mad? Or blindly mad? It just doesn’t make sense. I think it just shows how gender stereotypical our society still is…if it’s a man,it’s a doctor and if it’s a woman? Aunty nurse!

When somebody calls you aunty nurse after 6+ years in med school...

When somebody calls you aunty nurse after 6+ years in med school…

4. Ppl wu type laik dz– Oh God! I don’t care if you look like Beyonce and speak like Obama but I can’t think well of you if you type like this. Not that I’m against shorthand,I also use them sometimes,especially since Falz and Funke Akindele have made words like ‘izz‘ and ‘epp‘ look normal. It’s okay if you’re typing like that jokingly but the problem is now when it becomes your regular way of life and your shorthand is either too stupid or even longer than the real word.

 I’m cwious jhure

 Stop it jahwe

 Dz lyf z jz funi,am nt apy @ all

I mean, wuzzuldis? Plix,what exactly is typing like this supposed to achieve apart from letting people know ya not okay upstairs ehn? Cos I dun unsten

For those of you who can't stop typing like you're daft...

For those of you who can’t stop typing like you’re daft…

5. Who made the US class captain of the world– This one is for the history and political gurus. It’s just baffling how the US just feels that everything going on in the world is their business. War in middle east,they’re there. Unrest in Russia, they must comment, Civil war in Africa,they’re also there. Who send them message?

Me whenever I see the US on the news disturbing another country...

Me whenever I see the US on the news disturbing another country…

No wonder Obama’s hair changed from black to white in just 6 months of becoming president,too much unnecessary stress. Face your country nigga!

Meme 6496

6. Why girls can’t date their close friends– Niggas who have been facing life imprisonment in the friend-zone know what I’m talking about. Typical scenario: Boy meets girl,boy and girl get close,boy starts catching feelings,boy asks girl out and then girl tells him…

Which nonsense she dey talk abeg?

Which nonsense she dey talk abeg?

I mean what’s the big deal in dating a close friend,isn’t that what relationships are supposed to be about,finding that one friend that complements you and understands you 100%? Well,I’m just another guy that’s #SingleToStupor so what do I know,right? I’ve sha made up my mind, next time I see a babe I like, ama ask her out same day mehn, no time to get to know each other, let her know we’re not here to joke anymore. 😑

7. Igbo girls and beard gang-Now jokes apart,i really need an answer to this cos it’s not funny anymore. I mean what is it with igbo girls and facial hair? I can understand hairy arms and legs and I get that some ladies have more testosterone than usual but plix why is it only the igbo girls? Is it the akpu or what? Every bearded girl I’ve seen has been igbo,why?? The height was when I saw one with shaving bumps,I nearly cried mehn. And when you say you can’t date an igbo girl,they’ll think it’s tribalism. They won’t know it’s cos you want to avoid fights with bae in future over why your shaving cream finishes faster than normal.

Just dare an igbo babe to try it first...

Just dare an igbo babe to try it first…

So guys,there you have it,the 7 most pressing issues in my life right now. Do you have answers to them or you also have pressing issues of your own? Please use the comments box at your discretion. Ciao! ✌

BBM classifications: Volume 2

Hello people. Hope you’re all doing fine today. Well like I promised in my last post ,this is the second instalment of my BBM classifications -this time based on profile messages. This post should have been out since last week but I was still recovering from the “surprise” Induction ceremony my school organized for us(yup,I’m a licensed Medical Doctor now hallelujah 😊) so I decided to just postpone till this week. But anyway, just like last time,I hope that by the end of this post,many of you will find be able to comfortably place yourselves in one BBM class and make necessary adjustments where needed. Hehe

1. The Nuisances– Yes! Nuisances, and I’m sure we all have them. These are the guys who clog your updates every hour like Channels news. They’re part of the reasons your 3gb data finishes in 2 weeks because they keep chopping your data with their incessant updates that usually don’t make sense. “I’m going shopping”,”Who wants to follow me?”,”All these broke-ass niggas sef”,”I’m hungwy,where’s my boo?”,”Laide sharap you don’t have boo”…all in 5 minutes!! If there was anything like BBM names of noise makers,they’re the ones that you’ll write their names and now put 3 stars behind it to show the teacher that their own noise-making was serious. (Remember that nonsense in primary school 😂) Sometimes you see their updates and all you wanna tell them is…

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2. The Basketmouths– Nah,these ones are not the funny ones,they’re the kinds that use BBM as their online diary. They take the ‘What’s on your mind?’ question too serious. Sometimes,nothing is too shameful for them to update. They don’t have that Brain-BBM filter like most people. Their PMs are usually like “Oh my God! My brother just impregnated our neighbour’s last born sha” or “This my period that always keep coming out like fuel from pipeline, shey I won’t go and see a doctor like this?“. Maybe I am exaggerating but you get my drift? You know,those kind of updates that just make you look at your phone like…

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You’ve been constipated for 2 weeks ke?

3. The Maturity leaders – These are the self-washing, cool kids of bbm. Maturity is their watchword. They take so much pride in not updating anything for 2 months. They feel they’re older than Mandela and that regular updates are for small children. Worst of all they’re the ones who usually start the “So you can’t even ping someone” accusations and you’ll be wondering…

Meme 6460

Sometimes they’ll wanna update something so bad but because, maturity,they suppress it and usually end up being frustrated with the Nuisances and Basketmouths who update too much.

4. The Specialists – These are guys that update only about things they’re passionate about or to promote a cause they believe in. They’re like the semi-activists of BBM. Could be politics,sports,their business,religion Continue reading

BBM classifications: Volume 1

Hi guys. Hope you all enjoyed the sallah break and had good friends to invite you over to come and eat meat. You didn’t? Well don’t give up. You still have a lot of time to improve your ways before next year’s sallah. Hehe.

Anyway on to the topic for today. We all know BBM right? Of course we do! In fact thanks to BBM for Android and iPhone devices I can confidently say 9 out of 10 people use BBM these days. And for me the edge that BBM has over other chatting apps is the fact that you can effectively be updated about your contacts ASAP and know what’s going on in their lives thanks to the recent updates feature. Now in my close to 4 years of using BBM, I have noticed that you can to a great extent classify people on BBM and judge their characters based on these recent updates. Don’t believe me yet? Then cool down till the end of this post and see if you won’t have changed your mind.

This week we’ll be looking at the Display Picture(DP) classifications while next week will be for the Profile Message(PM) classifications. So, ladies and gentlemen, shall we?

1. The laughing stocks – You know them well and I’m sure everyone has them. The BBM comedians who can make you fall on your knees in tears and laughter with their DPs. They’re the kinds to brighten your day just by looking at their DPs. Now this group of people are usually funny in real life or wish they were funny and they have a good sense of humour. These ones don’t have time to be sad for long. My kinda guys *fistbump*

2. The Pervs – These ones don’t need any explanation. They’re the kinda people you don’t want on your BBM if you’re one of those working out your salvation with fear and shivering because with them,eyan le ri bobi any fucking time. If it’s not a naked girl, it’s somebody smoking weed or things like that. These kinds of people don’t send anybody and they usually have nothing to hide. What you see is what you get. Real niggas.

3. The famzers – Eish! These ones ehn, they’re like E! News on BBM. If you want to know about any celeb, just check their DPs. Today Kim Kardashian, tomorrow Chris Brown, next tomorrow Burna boy. It’s their type that will use Beyonce as DP on her birthday but they don’t have their daddy’s picture on their phones. Shameless people. These types are mostly ladies and they’re the types that will leave you their boyfriend to go and twerk on stage for Wizkid during Star Mega Jam and still call you bestest bae after. Wife them at your own risk. Lol

4. The Narcissists – These ones love themselves too much. Always using their pics as DPs even on other people’s birthdays. Selfie sticks were made with them in mind. Apart from personal pictures,the narcissists usually also put up pictures of things they made or did eg a cake they baked,something they drew,their make-up works and things like that. Basically,their DPs are regularly about them. If you check well they’re usually very selfish  and overconfident too. The annoying thing is that they’re usually not fine like that sef. Mschew!

5. The Divers – Now these are the Socrates and Martin Luther Kings of BBM. Always leaving you with deep, deep quotes to ponder on. If you feel your life is a mess, just stop by at their DPs and you will be instantly motivated. These kinds of people are usually quiet and introverts. They may not be good to have as friends if you don’t yet have a plan for your life in 20 years cos they think too much. They’re also prone to hypertension cos they tight the world to their chests too much. Lol

6. The Children of Abraham – Ahh! These are the men and women of God. Their DPs are either a Bible/Quran verse or a holy admonition and nothing else because, what association has light with darkness? These ones are good for your spiritual growth and they rarely have over 100 BBM contacts because they need to guard themselves from the corruption of the world.

7. The oloriboos – The Romeos and Juliets of BBM. The ones that carry their boos on their heads as if they’re hawking bread. They care about nothing else but their boos. They can be romantic or annoying depending on which side of the bae fence you are. If you’re single, you will most likely hate them because they keep reminding you of how single to stupor you are. And if you have bae, you may like to have them as relationship goals because they look so in love. But don’t be deceived, for most of them it’s either out of force or they’re the ugly ones in the relationship so they have to keep flaunting the boos so they won’t run away. And they can cheat!!! Choi! It’s their types that will have their boos on their DPs and still be telling somebody else, she’s just a friend.

8. The misfits – These ones make up over 50% of the average user’s contacts. Today they’re funny, tomorrow they’re deep, next tomorrow they’re children of Abraham. You just can’t classify them because they’re like Buhari; they belong to every category and they belong to none. See these ones ehn, they’re the most dangerous of all. Fear them more than snakes because their ways are not pure. They can be laughing with you and texting your boo at the same time. They  can’t walk in a straight line, always doing mago-mago things. Team Chameleon dem!

So guys, there you have them, the major categories of people on BBM based on their DPs. There are also others like the fashionistas, artists etc but I think they’re in the minority. Am I right or not? And if you agree, why not state which category you’re in in the comments box? C’mon don’t be shy 😉

Disclaimer: Na play I dey play o. All the character deductions and inferences are purely imaginary and meant to be comical. Any actual semblance to someone you know is entirely coincidental.

Into the Deep

Hi guys! How’ve y’all been?

Yesss!!!

It’s meee!!!

I’m back!!!

Long time!!!

   Actually, long time doesn’t even begin to describe it. It’s actually been over a year since my last Post. I mean Ebola was still in the country as at then. It’s not like it was intentional though,what just started as laziness and procrastination then morphed into busyness and just became full blown lack of interest after a while. I’ve really missed this and I knew sooner or later I was gonna return to blogging. And to those who never stopped asking me about this blog,I dedicate my comeback to you all. Feels good to know that my write-ups meant something to some people.

  Now,unto the topic for today.

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You see, this picture here was used by one of my BBM contacts as DP recently and it caught my attention. Even though this wasn’t the first time I was seeing it but being who I am,I decided to look for trouble and the chat went something like this:

Me: What’s up?

She: *rotfl*

Me: Lol. Why are you laughing na?

She: Cos obviously you read my dp

Me: Lool. I just want us to talk about atoms ni

She: *rotfl* ode

   In my mind I was like,’just as I expected’. Now I’m sure I’m not the only one who has seen this DP and truth is,I think it’s time somebody finally spoke up about this. Like, Naija girls,seriously??? You people really wanna talk about atoms and faraway galaxies and magic and death? Even you that didn’t go to science class will say they want to talk about atoms? Or galaxies? How many galaxies do you even know that you want to talk about? (I’m sure some ladies don’t even know that Milky Way is a galaxy and not just chocolate).

milkyay-2

And then death? Lmao. DEATH OO??? In this country where everybody believes they shall not die but live to declare the glory of God? I mean,let’s be serious most of the things on the picture are ridiculous to talk about,at least in this part of the world(except maybe sex of course),which brings me to what I feel is the real issue at hand; the desire to appear deep and intellectual. It’s something I’ve noticed is lowkey becoming a trend on social media. If you’ve also noticed that the amount of people claiming to be sapiosexual of late has increased then you’ll understand what I mean. It seems the geeks have finally won,everybody wants to be smart now. Nobody wants to be Nicki Minaj anymore. Okay don’t get me wrong,intelligence is a lovely quality and I’m not saying there aren’t ladies amongst us who are really sapiosexual(means to be attracted to intelligence by the way) but honestly when you look at 99% of the ladies claiming deep or sapiosexual,you’ll be like…

Sapio-what? Maifren...

You ke? Sapio-what? Maifren…

   You can’t be consuming Africa Magic Yoruba or telemundo 24/7 and come and be forming sapiosexual for me(no offence but I still think there’s a correlation between the amount of time spent watching afmag and intelligence). And in my honest opinion ,intelligence is not for everybody and I think that’s okay. Don’t pretend you’re interested in quantum physics when deep down all you wanna talk about it how one woman turned to vulture in a yoruba movie you watched or how Allejandro finally proposed to Santiana on Telemundo. It definitely doesn’t improve your chances in the Bae Market I assure you because the man you’re trying to form deep for may just be attracted to big boobs or worse still,would see you for the phoney that you are if he’s actually sapiosexual. You may even end up missing out on a fellow shameless Afmag lover like you. Lol

   See,it’s good to broaden your knowledge on some topics so you can engage better in conversations,I agree. In fact I highly recommend it but if it’s not in you,it’s not in you my sister.(Yes! Peak Milk lied)

It's not in everybody please

It’s not in everybody please

   It’s when you’re forcing yourself to learn about football, for example, that you end up frustrating bae with questions like ‘Why does Arsenal not play in World cup or why is Messi not the FIFA president?’.

Until Bae is like...

Until Bae is like…

    So my point is,whether you’re sapiosexual,bobosexual(attracted to shakiti bobo) or just maga-sexual,just be you my dear. If all you can offer is a pretty face,then by all means carry your fine face with/without make up with your head held up high; and if it’s only fanta bottle figure you can offer,please keep in shape and let boys keep twisting their necks to check you out. Somebody will still find you interesting (maybe not me o, but somebody sha). But abeg don’t force yourself to be Chimamanda when you have Iya Rainbow traits flourishing strongly in you. Not every guy is into the deep, really. It’s not bad to be a ‘What’s up?’ chick or to know what’s up. I mean, aren’t you on WhatsApp? So just be yourself.

We can’t all be deep,but we can all be real.

   So what do you think guys? Please I’d like to hear from you in the comments section,especially after such a long while 😀

PS:  I have focused on the ladies only majorly because I feel this sort of behaviour is commonest among them. 

Ebolanoia

When educated people decide to bathe with salt and hot water to prevent ebola

When educated people decide to bathe with salt and hot water to prevent ebola

Wait! Wait! Wait! Don’t close the page yet. I know by now y’all have seen a thousand and one blogs on the ebola virus but please permit me to make this number thousand and two. I initially never had it in mind to write on this but the incident that happened in the wee hours of Friday,August 8,2014 has driven me to this. And yes,ladies and gentlemen,I’m talking of the now viral Ebola cooking competition as I’d like to call it.(See what I did there? No? Smh).
Now before I proceed,I’d like to give a brief recap of how we all got here. Apparently,it all started on the 22nd of July when a Liberian-American named Patrick Sawyer(obviously his CIA codename) decided the only way to punish the Yahoo boys for their threat to global economy was to bring his infection to come and flourish in this country. (‘Patrick Saw Yer Country And Gave Y’all Ebola’ was the name of his mission,hence the codename Patrick Sawyer <_<). Stupid as it may sound,that's my own conspiracy theory anyway and I don't care if y'all believe me or not. Okay, so the man comes safely into the country after throwing up and displaying numerous ebolaic symptoms on the plane,and was rushed to First Consultants Hospital,Obalende. (They were the first indeed…mind what you name your businesses o my people…hmm). To cut the long story short,the man died a few days later and there was pandemonium in the land. Within a few days,the Sanitizer industry exploded with demand overshooting supply overnight. (Fake) Anti-Ebola gels and creams turned people into sudden millionaires as you can imagine.
Okay,now back to Friday,8th August. It was around 6am in the morning when I saw my phone ringing and 'Mummy' was the caller. 'What on earth could warrant this call by this time of the day?',I pondered in my aching head. "Hello mum",I said drowsily,"Hello Ayomide","See,we've just been told that all of us should bathe with salt and hot water this morning and drink it before leaving the house,that it protects against Ebola. We've already done that so please do it. It’s a spiritual thing. Make sure you do it o….”. Yes,the conversation with my mum went something like that. I couldn’t believe it but just so I could go back to bed,I decided not to argue and dismissed it in my mind as one of mumsy’s superstitious church rites. And 3 hours and 2 missed calls from my mum later when I woke up,you could imagine my shock when I checked my BBM updates. Salt and hot water was trending! DPs everywhere,checked twitter too…same thing! Wait,what?! I was as confused as Shem Obafaiye was after he was asked what the website of NSCDC was. So, apparently it wasn’t just my mum,some way,somehow the whole country had suddenly woken up to a ridiculous ‘discovery’ that brine would do just fine against ebola.
As we all know, it all turned out to be a little prank gone massively wrong but it’s not the prank I have a problem with. It’s that Nigerians are too scared and uninformed to tell fact from utter hilarity. It’s that the fear and panic in the minds of Nigerians is now so great that educated men and women can act like people with the intelligence of a mere salt-water fish all in the name of Ebola. (See what I did there again? Okay I should stop) And pardon me for this but it is really uncalled for. I mean 2 people have allegedly died with 20 others on admission in hospitals all because of salt-related emergencies. Now guess what?! THAT IS MORE THAN THE NUMBER OF CASUALTIES THAT HAVE ACTUALLY RESULTED FROM THE EBOLA OUTBREAK IN NIGERIA! (Just one person apart from Sawyer,a nurse, has died from the virus). It’s pretty obvious fear(due to ignorance) is the real outbreak here. And I won’t blame us really,we as a nation have endured more tragic blows than the wife of an abusive boxer so panic is now a reflex move. But it doesn’t have to be so. I believe a little more knowledge about Ebola would go a long way in allaying the fears of many of us and that’s why I’m writing this (although public heath education is part of my duties as a medical student ^_^)

Let’s talk about Ebola:
Now I won’t waste time telling you about how one demented man decided to leave the comfort of sanity to go and eat an infected fruit bat(of all animals…poverty na bastard o) in 1976 in Congo which then gave rise to the infection and the rest as we know is history. But here’s what you should know about Ebola virus infection:

Symptoms:
Headache,sore throat,fever,diarrhoea,weakness,vomiting,joint and muscle pain,abdominal pain,rash,lack of appetite,bleeding from the nose or mouth.
Note that coughing,sneezing,convulsion etc are NOT symptoms of ebola so please keep calm when next someone coughs in the bus or sneezes beside you at the airport. EBOLA IS NOT AIRBORNE so you can’t sniff it into your system and get infected either.

How you can get infected…Yes,you:
1) Through contact with body fluids(blood,semen,saliva,sweat,mucus etc) of infected AND acutely ill persons i.e the person has to have started developing the above symptoms before he/she can spread it. This means you most likely won’t get it from a person who can walk to church or Shoprite on his own or in a class. ONLY SICK PEOPLE SPREAD EBOLA.
2) By eating infected fruit bats and bush meat (although in Nigeria this is quite rare but still requires caution. One winchy bat fit fly come from Guinea now, who knows?)
3) By having body contact with the corpses of dead patients.

How can you protect yourself?
Now considering the modes of transmission listed above,the way to protect yourself is to obviously avoid them since Ebola has no vaccine:
1) Wash your hands regularly with SOAP and running water. Now not the kind of hand-washing we do to fulfil all righteousness. I’m talking about proper hand-washing,the WHO-recommended technique that involves about 10 steps. Check for it at the end of this post.
Hand sanitizers are good but they are not the best,you can just use them briefly till you can get access to soap and water.
2) Avoid bush meat of any form for now,suya included just to be on the safe side. Eat barbeque instead. It won’t kill you…till there’s another bird flu outbreak at least.
3) Avoid touching dead bodies of infected patients. Do I even need to say this?
4) Avoid areas of recent outbreaks. Okay this one’s a joke. Obalende is still very safe <_<
5) If someone around you starts to display ebolaic symptoms and is known to have previously been in contact with an Ebola patient,please be careful before touching them and alert any relevant authorities immediately.

How can you be treated if you have Ebola?
Now while Ebola has NO CURE as we all know,it's also not a death sentence as IT CAN BE MANAGED. The fatality rate of this current outbreak is about 55% contrary to the 90% it was in previous outbreaks. This means that YOU CAN SURVIVE EBOLA. As long as a person can get proper management in time,they can survive Ebola. There are so many stories of Ebola survivors on the net,feel free to google them in your free time.
Also please note that there's no proven spiritual cure for Ebola either so if your pastor or anyone tells you he can lay hands on ebola patients and heal them,RUN AWAY FROM HIS CHURCH! In fact,report him to the police!

In conclusion
And if you all notice,the people who have been infected so far with the Ebola virus have either been the family members of the patients or health care workers who attend to the patients or those who had primary contact with any of the patients(those on the plane with Mr Sawyer for example) and I believe that should tell you all something. Most of those rumoured to have been infected have all tested negative to the virus so keep calm people.
Also,when next someone asks you to drink salt water,rain water,make incisions on your genitals,set yourself ablaze,rape a virgin named Bola or do whatever it is all in the name of preventing Ebola,just call 0800-EBOLAHELP(0800326524357) for confirmation. Also you can follow @EbolaAlert on twitter for the latest Ebola updates,visit http://www.ebolaalert.org or also join the Ebola Alert BBM channel: C0034DA6D for more Ebola info.
So with these few points of mine,I hope I've been able to convince you and not confuse you that Ebola is not worth the paranoia. Thank you!

PS: Sorry about the positions of the pics,I'm using the shitty wordpress app on my phone which only allows me place pics on the top or bottom of a post. Just imagine -_-

WHO-recommended hand washing technique

WHO-recommended hand washing technique

To Boo or not to Boo(The Wifeability Test)

Hello fansssss! What’s up with y’all? I know you’ve all missed me, I’ve missed you too. Okay, I was in one of those classes recently where the lecturer had already exceeded the 45mins limit of my attention span(usually it’s 25mins but this particular day it happened to last a lil bit longer) when this crazy idea popped in my head. I’m sure you all remember that a few weeks back there was this bride price site that suddenly went viral and got most of our ladies putting up their best lying skills just to get a good score. If you don’t know what I’m talking about,welcome back from Sambisa forest. Glad you could finally escape. Anyway,I have decided to come up with my own version and for a couple of reasons. First of course is because,well…it’s another reason to finally post something. And then also for some reason I am not sure of yet, it seems the Lord has been trying to tell me through almost everyone else(including those in the same predicament as I am…ironically) about how old I’m becoming and how I should start training to go into the Singles’ forest to ‘Bring Home My Girl’. So I’ll be using this medium to share the qualities I’ll be looking out for so the qualified ones among you can know how to proceed from here *winks* 😀 Plus,as you all should know by now, I’m all about the fun and jokes so this is actually just for the humour. I think I’ll call it the Saga’s Wifeability Test,for lack or something better actually.
So ladies, just join in the fun and share your results in the comments box…pwetty pleeeaaaasssseeeeeee? Wish you all good luck anyway *dodges slap*, sorry, all the best.
Alright, here goes:
AGE
-18-24 (N150,000)
-Below 18 (-N4,500)
-25 and above (-N7000)
BEAUTY
-Jaw-dropping (N200,000)
-Fine/Cute/Pretty (N150,000)
-Not fine,not ugly (N5,000)
-Confusing at first,requires further examination to confirm ugliness (N2,000)
-Photogenic but ugly(Instagram beauty) (N500)
-Ugly at first sight (- N50,000) APPEARANCE/DRESS SENSE
A)Quality
-Smart, trendy and chic (N150,000)
-Jesus is coming soon/Mary Amaka wears (- N60,000)
-Somewhere In between (N10,000)
B)Decency
-Always decent (N200,000)
-Sometimes cleavage,sometimes mini-skirts (N0.00)
-Rihanna (-N75,000)
HEIGHT
-Average [5’6-5’9 ft] (N50,000)
-Short [5-5’5 ft] (N55,000)
-Tyrion Lannister [Anything below 5 ft] (-N5000)
-Amazon [5’10 and above] (-N7500)
SIZE
-Slim [45-60kg] (N50,000)
-All others (N0.00)
COMPLEXION
-Not too fair,not too black (N100,000)
-Almost albino (N10,000)
-Ghanaian (-N10,000)
-Hypo (-25,000)
LEGS
-Slim and straight with normal toes (N100,000)
-Cute bow legs (N25,000)
-Footballer yams (N0.00)
-Pathological bow legs (-N1,000.00)
-K legs (-N1,500)
-Hairy legs(-N3,500)
BR***TS
-C cup (N200,000)
-Kilode??? [D upwards] (N11,750)
-Fill my cup Lord [B downwards] (N0.00)
SENSE OF HUMOUR
-Ellen DeGeneres (N200,000)
-Quite funny and loves to laugh (N100,000)
-Dry but loves to laugh (N17,500)
-Military regime (-N175,000)
USE OF ENGLISH/DICTION
-Very Good spoken and written English (N200,000 with phoneè,N150,000 without phoneè)
-Average spoken and written English (N40,000)
-H,R and every other factor (N0.00)
-I never hespered it (-N50,000)
-Diariz God (-N125,000)
SPIRITUALITY
-Proverbs 31 woman (N250,000)
-Aspiring proverbs 31 woman (N75,000)
-Deborah by day,Delilah by night (N0.00)
-Typical Edo Babe/Winsh (-N80,000)
INTELLIGENCE
-Genius (N200,000)
-Good (N150,000)
-Average (N25,000)
-Scrape eye brow and draw it back with eye pencil (-N10,000)
-Nollywood addict (-N50,000)
BOYFRIEND FINANCIAL EXPECTATIONS
-Miss Independent (N100,000)
-Gentlemumu (N0.00)
-Parent (-N100,000)
TV PREFERENCE
-SuperSport (N200,000)
-Documentaries, movies, news (N150,000)
-Cartoons,Music channels (N75,000)
-Afmag,telemundo,E-entertainment (-N95,500)
HOBBIES/INTERESTS
-Doing intellectual stuff,cooking and home maintenance activities [sweeping etc] (N145,750)
-Sleeping,eating,shopping (N35,500)
-Twerking,clubbing,gossiping,fighting (-N70,500)
EXTRAS
A) Eyes
-Good vision (N75,000)
-Glasses/contacts (N2,500)
-Blind (N0.00)
-Sleepy eyes (-N2,500)
-4 o’clock eyes(-N40,000)
B) Dentition/Oral cavity
-White teeth;complete with no gaps (N75,000)
-Any gap whatsoever/braces (N1,000)
-Mouth odour(-N550,500)
C) Body shape
-Figure 8 (N125,000)
-Letter ‘P’ (N75,000)
-Small letter ‘d’ (N14,500)
-Capital letter O (N500)
-Number 1 (N0.00)
-Amoeba (-N12,500)
D) Culinary skills
-Chef [any intercontinental dish] (N500,000)
-Caterer [any naija dish/pounded yam] (N150,000)
-Pepper soup, rice etc (N50,000)
-Quaker oats, custard,cornflakes (-N10,000)
-Adds food to salt (-N65,500)
-Burna babe(always burning food) (-N75,000)
Alright people,there you have it. I think that’s enough. Now check how well you’ve done 😀 Remember ladies,it’s all about the fun so don’t be ashamed to share your score in the comments,even if anonymously. Thanks. Ese. Merçi.

GRADING:
N2.2 million and above: Just email your contact details to talk2sammy07@yahoo.com with a picture not larger than 50kb for further evaluation. The board are very impressed.lool
N1.5-2.2million: You’re almost there. His grace is enough for you.
Less than 1.5 million: Trust me, it’s not you, it’s me. Let’s just be friends (._.) (//_o)

Disclaimer: The main purpose of this write-up is just to create humour and is not intended to offend or diss anyone. Any offence created by this post is deeply regretted by the writer. It also means you are automatically in category ‘Military regime’ under the SENSE OF HUMOUR criterion. Thanks. Management.